well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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