I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize