I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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