Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
wow bdsm is so cute
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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