why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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