It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
