then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize