You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's never too late to be topless.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Randomize
