Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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