i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
