At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
