I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
