Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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