Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
