When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
