I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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