So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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