why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
