You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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