it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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