It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
