shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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