dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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