There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
