The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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