I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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