JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
