I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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