People in love make me want to vomit
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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