only you would photoshop your dick
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
