Your face is a jimmy john
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
