He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
