My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
