I'm sorry my penis didn't work
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
