seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
only if we run a train.
done.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
