I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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