Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sext me about skeletons
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
