I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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