My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
