I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
