Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize