so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
