matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
