This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
