You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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