she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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