You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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