i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
