life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
