Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
