Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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