If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
