i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
