dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
