I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
