Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
