the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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