Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
