you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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