I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
