I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so let's talk penis.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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